What If…

This poem requires explanation. It was written over two decades ago. As a teen and young adult, I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. In my early works, I rarely wrote about anything but suicide or death. If I had not been able to express my internal conflict through poetry, I honestly don’t know if I would be here today. Eventually I sought treatment. Unfortunately the treatment was not conducive to creativity. It was one of several reasons that I did not write for over ten years. Still, I wouldn’t change anything. I am happy and healthy now. I found my voice again too.

However, it should not have taken me as long as it did to talk to someone. There is this unspoken taboo when it comes to suicide. I wanted to be remedied, but I didn’t want to ask anyone for help. I was humiliated that I couldn’t just pull myself together and be normal. I assumed my friends and family were too busy to bother with my strife or thought I was just looking for attention. If any of this resonates with you, please pay attention to this… There are millions of people out there that have the same stuggles. Sometimes all they need or want is someone who can relate to them. If you don’t trust anyone around you, call a hotline, see a professional, or find a group. THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE YOU. You will find support in their ranks. You are not alone. You are not a freak. You’re a little off the beaten path and that’s ok. Find a guide to lead you back. They are out there. Can’t find yours? I’m right here; talk to me. Believe it or not, people do care.

I think back often and wonder “What if?”.  What if any of my attempts had been successful? What if my Mom found me and this poem? What if I had never found my way? I’m thankful I only have to wonder. I’m thankful for everyday of this life. I’m thankful that you’re reading this for the right reasons and my family never read it for the wrong ones.

My time has come,
I bid you goodbye.
I’m taking this chance
To explain to you why.

I am filled with hate.
Love? I have none.
No love for life,
No love for anyone.

I had long been dead
Before my heart stopped beating.
I lack emotion.
My life has no meaning.

There’s nothing you could do
So please don’t ask why.
My time has come,
I bid you goodbye.

37 comments

  1. A powerful post Carrie. I didn’t now you struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. I still have depression but through counseling it’s getting better. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and that beautiful poem.

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    1. Thank you for the comment Laura. I have gone back and forth about whether or not to share my old works. I was letting my insecurities on the topic suicide creep in again. As soon as I realized what was holding me back, I let go. I’m glad I did and hope it helps someone. However, it feels a little like being naked in public.

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      1. I can understand that. I’ve shared with others via blogs my feelings but never in my own blog because my family reads it and they are a source of my problem. I’ve learned to keep healtlhier balances. Finally! Anyway, I’m glad you shared them. 🙂

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        1. I appreciate you sharing with me! I have a feeling this one may come as a bit of a shock to some family members. Others who were aware of my “issues” may not be thrilled that I shared. I’m right there with you though. It’s all about balance and I’m happy I found mine.

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          1. without self marketing or sounding ridiculous I humbly say there is 400+ posts here relating to your lil secret. A lot of us here connect through ART which is an extension of our Lives our inner thoughts and struggles. Thank you for reading. X

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  3. Carrie, my book “This is what saved me ” is pretty much about how writing poetry saved my life. Depression was a heavy feature in my life between ages of 16 and 19 and when i started writing properly it helped me switch it off.. I love this poem because its brave , its true , but at the same time its real. People think poetry has to be all happy endings and fluffy bunny rabits and in reality it is far from that … Having written near enough 30 poems which resulted in massively bad press from “friends” and “family” it meant that i had to reevaluate who to have in my life. I however am immensely proud of myself for writing those poems because no matter how dark they may be they are true . they are not hiding away behind a silver lining and i have been told by many ive inspired them to change their own lives.

    All i can say is im glad like me you changed your life for the better since writing this .

    and i can happily announce that my second poetry book will be a lot more upbeat and have a more mature feeling. Its sort of a transition between how i was and now , im not finished yet but im getting there i think its going to be called metamorphosis.

    Keep writing i love your work 🙂

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    1. I had no idea what to expect from this post. I am pleasantly suprised that feedback has so far been positive.
      You’re so confident now, I never would have guessed you shared the same struggles. Though, speaking from experience, we get pretty good at hiding our conflict from others, don’t we. I completely relate to you on the writing. It was as thought putting it on paper got it out of me, at least for a while. I too purged a lot of negative people from my life when I was younger. That alone was almost enough to “fix me”. 😉
      I have got to get “This is What Saved Me” ordered. I look forward to “Metamorphosis”. You have a fan in me.

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      1. Im glad people have responded so well to you ! 🙂

        Im confident now pretty much because i no longer give a damn what others thing unless its positive 😉

        It gets easy after a while just to hide emotions from people which isnt healthy but can be useful sometimes..

        I would be very greatful if you did buy “This is what saved me” ! but in no way feel obliged…

        Im excited for metamorphosis because my last book really upset my gran so im hoping this one will make her alot happier 🙂

        Im so very glad your a fan 🙂

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  4. I’m in a better place now than I would have been if I hadn’t gone through the bad times. I wouldn’t fancy going through them again but I like the place they’ve brought me to. I nearly didn’t make it.

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  6. Glad you over came the impossible, and here to help others through with your words. You don’t see the ones that see you, when you think you are alone. But if you stand back, and look through your life, someone will always be there. (parents, family, friends, the person that made you coffee at the coffee shop)

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    1. You are so right! I didn’t see them then, but looking back at it now, there were so many people that would have listened or helped, many in unexpected places. I just didn’t know where to look yet.

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  7. I am glad that you are still alive, and that I am alive too. You are brave to speak about that. I am always hiding that thoughts, I pretend to be always strong, but from the childhood I have suicidal thoughts, they are not frequent, but they come again every few years. That doesn’t last long, but it is always dangerous, one moment is enough to became tragedy.

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    1. I completely understand the occasional re-emergence of old demons. You are so right about that one moment. Even though I now know who I can turn to, even though I have learned skills to regain control, when mayhem takes over, it isn’t easy to reign in dark emotions. I find my incentive in those long stretches of the good times. Getting back to happy is a strong motivator. My journals are the key to sensing when I am losing control. They are also theraputic as I find my way back. Of course I have a strong core of supporters in my corner pulling for me and helping in every way. If I can ever be that for someone else, I encourage them to contact me directly at carriepage@rocketmail.com.

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  9. Pingback: What If… | pagesbrain

  11. yeah well, what if huh? i know what iof icuz i sit here an lewk at pics of 2 people in my life here now i loved that well, what if’d ,,so i know what if,,,its very distressing on the ones left behind , believe me, more than one can imagine till some one does it to them so i know bout the what ifs.so never meva ok dokie,go back tot eh if stage in life there NOW is noW and future can’t be if we “what if” ok now over an outr …hugs across da werld 2 U . Q

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    1. I am so sorry that you have been left behind to feel the pain that suicide leaves its survivors. I am seeing that impact on a friend whose husband committed suicide just this week. She lost her best friend. Her children lost their father. It’s tragic and unnecessary. I am glad I did not make anyone feel that way.

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    1. Thank you for the visit and for taking the time to leave a comment! I don’t know about brave but thank you for saying so. I just wanted to let others know they’re not alone, even though it very much feels that way sometimes.

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  13. Hi Carrie. I do so like your poem. I have been writing for fifty years and this is the only outlet that has kept me going. I wrote a poetry suicide note once. But found it’s more of a challenge to face your demons than end your life! Glad you liked ‘ Morgue!’ Take Care. The Foureyed Poet.

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    1. Everything has finally come full circle… I used to write and be depressed. Then I received treatment and couldn’t write. Now I’m writing again, I’m still healthy, and I couldn’t imagine a more wonderful life. I am certainly happy to be here to enjoy it. The Morgue was wonderfully written. I look forward to reading more.

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    1. So many people have related to this – to feeling lost, hopeless, unable to feel beyond your own pain… if only I had found all of these kindred spirits sooner. I thought I was such a freak. Eventually I learned that I am, in fact, a total freak, and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

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