If I post any poetry today, it’ll be later. I was awake for around 30 minutes when already this day had me by the figurative balls. I considered throwing in the towel and going back to bed when I realized that, 1: I can’t do anything to fix it from my bedroom, and 2: My morning would actually be funny to outsiders who have NOT had to wash their feet twice already today. So here you go. I hope you get a chuckle at my expense…

Did you know that a fresh hairball can and will squish up between your toes? I mean sure, yeah, you would expect this if you stepped into a pile of straight cat puke, but a hairball? Not that I think about it often, but I would have imagined that the hair would act as a screen from it getting past the bottoms of your feet. I would have been wrong. As an added bonus, the fun doesn’t end once you’ve cleaned between your swampy toes – you still have to remove the cat hair from the drain.

The worst part about it? I saw the hairball. Now I haven’t slept well in 3 nights. I’m accustomed to falling into a coma-like state. I sleep hard… usually. I don’t know why this week has been an exception, but even in my groggy frame of mind, emerging from my bedroom for the first time today, I saw the hairball on the stairs. I walked past it to fetch cleaning supplies and take care of it. Unfortunately, as I was bent over rummaging through the cupboard of cleaning supplies, I smelled something faint, but awful. I thought it was coming from within that cupboard. Great, something else I have to clean, I bitched to myself. I grabbed what I needed from the kitchen and headed back toward Mount Hairball. However, the smell didn’t fade as I moved away. It stayed exactly the same. I gathered my robe in my hands, put it close to my face and inhaled deeply. I wish that I had noticed the small, dried Chihuahua turd stuck to my robe, touching the side of my right hand, BEFORE I jammed that stink into my face. I already had a paper towel handy so I removed the poo (while gagging on the stench and imagining that vile bacterial creepy crawlies were invading my hand)  and fled to my room to change my clothes.

My animals get very excited when I first wake up. When I don’t give them immediate attention, a frenzy begins. On this morning they had waited longer than they wanted to wait. They were not thrilled when I disappeared again before doling out lovin’. So, when I came back out of my room there was a herd of cats tearing up and down the stairs. The largest of them, Julius, rammed his head square into the back of my calf causing me to stumble… directly into HIS disgusting hairball. It unfolded in slow motion. I did everything I could to avoid that landmine, but just didn’t have enough control over my body, and SPLAT.

I sternly warned them all to “get downstairs, go lay down!” and went into the bathroom to wash my hands, face and foot. I then grabbed more paper towel and made my way back to the festering pile of hairy vomit when… I stepped in pee. My “go lay down” tone literally scared the piss out of my dog. She tinkled a little on the stairs. THAT I didn’t see coming. No, that one was a warm, fresh surprise. Once again, with a paper towel already in hand, I began cleaning up my foot. I returned to the tub and for the second time in a handful of minutes, gave my right foot a bath.

AGAIN, I fetched paper towel and headed toward Hairball Hill. With that attempt, I actually got it cleaned up, the pee too. I hadn’t even had coffee yet when this fiasco began, so I thought I’d sit for a second to collect myself. I found the little hellions all sleeping soundly, occupying nearly every inch of seating in my living room. That blanket covered thing in the picture, that’s my new couch. I don’t remember what it looks like though. The animals like it even more than I do, so the blankets have been there since 5 minutes after the couch arrived.

Anyway, I went and made coffee instead and decided to share my ordeal with you all. Now that I have, I could really use a shower…

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