Letter to an Alien (Letter Challenge #1)

Jenny at Jenny In Neverland came up with a great blog challenge. She came up with a list of 10 recipients. Each Tuesday her blog will feature a letter to that recipient. She kicked the challenge off yesterday with the topic “Letter #1: An alien” (Letter Challenge #1). I am excited to participate!

Here is my first letter in the series. Please note, this letter does not reflect my true beliefs or views. It is PURELY SATIRICAL. Imagine an alien family (outer space alien, to be clear) has moved into your neighborhood. Most people would be curious. They would want to learn more about intergalactic culture, even befriend these new beings. They would want to help incorporate their customs into our society to make them feel welcome. In return, those same human beings would likely teach the aliens what we know about our origins and civilization. Indeed, most would proceed with open minds and open hearts. However, how long do you think it would take for one of your more intolerant, closed-minded neighbors to pen something like this? Ok, it probably wouldn’t be this exactly, but you get the idea…

Dear Alien,
Though we have never met face-to-face, I have a bone to pick with you. Among my peers I am known for always being on the cutting edge of the latest technologies. I have all of the newest electronics. I obtain my devices before they hit the market. My televisions are larger. My portables are smaller. My computers are faster. My phones are smarter. Now you appear on the scene and render my collection obsolete. I demand that you cease utilizing any technology available only to you while you are on my planet. There is an order to be followed in this society. I don’t care where you fall in line, as long as it is behind me.

I saw your children at the bus stop this morning. They don’t seem to be fitting in with the other kids. Perhaps they would have an easier time if you made them look a bit more normal. We live in a culture where there is an expectation to adhere to a standard. Those who do not fit within the constraints of what is predetermined to be conventional find ways to alter their appearance. They wear make-up, false fingernails and eyelashes, hair extensions, girdles, high heels and fashionable clothing to look like everyone else. If you don’t get your bald daughter a wig, she will never make friends here. At least get her a hat so others who pass through our community don’t notice that it is suddenly brimming with freaks. I hate to think of what that would do to our home values.

By the way, on Earth, we drive cars. We do not pilot spacecraft. The use of private jetliners is reserved for the elite on this planet. While the nouveau rich have regrettably infiltrated the ranks of the wealthy, to be elite your family must have possessed a fortune for generations. You and yours have not been here long enough to be considered part of that club. Also, we fill our cars with gasoline. If self-charging, solar vehicles such as yours become mainstream, it will cost a lot of folks, friends of mine, their vast fortunes. Here, big oil tells us where we will get our power and who will provide it. It is not the other way around. You are setting us up for mutiny by bucking this trend.

Speaking of your vehicle, the last time your son launched that spacecraft, he branded my yard. I have enclosed a bill for repairs, both labor and supplies. I also expect you to pay punitive damages. My lawn was once the envy of the neighborhood. Because of your carelessness, my neighbors have begun to laugh and scoff at my imperfect landscape. It was difficult to put a value on my pain and suffering, but $100,000 U.S. dollars should suffice. I appreciate your immediate attention to this situation.

If you don’t like it, maybe you should move home.

Citizen of an Intolerant, Dick Measuring, Me-First Society


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