Day: April 4, 2014

What If…

This poem requires explanation. It was written over two decades ago. As a teen and young adult, I struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. In my early works, I rarely wrote about anything but suicide or death. If I had not been able to express my internal conflict through poetry, I honestly don’t know if I would be here today. Eventually I sought treatment. Unfortunately the treatment was not conducive to creativity. It was one of several reasons that I did not write for over ten years. Still, I wouldn’t change anything. I am happy and healthy now. I found my voice again too.

However, it should not have taken me as long as it did to talk to someone. There is this unspoken taboo when it comes to suicide. I wanted to be remedied, but I didn’t want to ask anyone for help. I was humiliated that I couldn’t just pull myself together and be normal. I assumed my friends and family were too busy to bother with my strife or thought I was just looking for attention. If any of this resonates with you, please pay attention to this… There are millions of people out there that have the same stuggles. Sometimes all they need or want is someone who can relate to them. If you don’t trust anyone around you, call a hotline, see a professional, or find a group. THERE ARE OTHERS LIKE YOU. You will find support in their ranks. You are not alone. You are not a freak. You’re a little off the beaten path and that’s ok. Find a guide to lead you back. They are out there. Can’t find yours? I’m right here; talk to me. Believe it or not, people do care.

I think back often and wonder “What if?”.  What if any of my attempts had been successful? What if my Mom found me and this poem? What if I had never found my way? I’m thankful I only have to wonder. I’m thankful for everyday of this life. I’m thankful that you’re reading this for the right reasons and my family never read it for the wrong ones.

My time has come,
I bid you goodbye.
I’m taking this chance
To explain to you why.

I am filled with hate.
Love? I have none.
No love for life,
No love for anyone.

I had long been dead
Before my heart stopped beating.
I lack emotion.
My life has no meaning.

There’s nothing you could do
So please don’t ask why.
My time has come,
I bid you goodbye.